census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
