epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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