gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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