We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
