I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
