The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
