And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
