I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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