I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
