she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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