Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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