In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
