i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
