You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
