Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
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about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
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As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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