Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?