running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
