I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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