so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
