i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
