Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
