forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
