Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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