the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
