And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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