Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
