He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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