I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
