dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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