my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
