I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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