haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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