a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
