I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
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She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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