I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
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there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
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Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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