Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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