moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
