So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I need to align my fucking chakras
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
