woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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