he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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