i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
