Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
