My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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