When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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