The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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