When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
