come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
