Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
