your thong is hanging out like whoa
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
