I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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