i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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