dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The beers last night were like the tears from god
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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