I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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