nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
