don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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