so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
