new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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