I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
