i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
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Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
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Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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