When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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