tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
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We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
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I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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